Lost and Insecure [OPEN]

[Castiel]

Castiel's life was not one to envy. Sure, once upon a time he had been in heaven, literally, but in such a short time things changed so drastically. It was strange how things were so perfect, and then turned out so terribly. Cas was forced to severe his ties to heaven, rebelling against them entirely. It was not something he wanted, he did not want to be separated from the fellow angels in his garrison; his brothers. Though God had disappeared, it was simply as if he just vanished into nothingness. All hope seemed lost, but still Castiel tried in vain to find his father. Many events unfolded and the ruler of heaven was no where to be found, not even when Castiel was in possession of the only known object that could find God. He failed and who was it all for? The Winchesters, most especially the eldest brother, Dean. He certainly didn't blame them, Castiel accepted fate, accepted that it was something he brought on himself, after all interacting with the Winchesters was his own personal choice. Even though that choice seemed to come back and bite him in the ass a few times, it was done, there was no going back.

The other angels did not accept the close bond that Castiel had with the brothers. Sam was somehow less important to Cas, something he did not quite understand, never answering when Sam called him, but when it was Dean, he was always there. Though he had betrayed Dean. Castiel did the worst thing he could've done. As his own God was absent, Castiel foolishly tried to take on that role. He absorbed many souls straight out of purgatoty, and they ate him up from the inside out. This act lead to what was sure to be his death. At first when the souls were finally rid from his body, Cas was alive, but unfortunately those damned leviathans clung on inside and eventually took over. Essentially, the rebellious angel was dead. Though somehow when those leviathans were eradicated, Castiel was back and determined to make amends to Dean in anyway he could. Sam was in a sorry state, in a mental facility, with Lucifer lurking in his mind. Cas saw what he had to do. He took Sam's insanity and shifted it into his own mind. It was painful, but Castiel was glad that he had found the ultimate way to prove to Dean that he was truly sorry for what he did. He gave Dean his brother back.

Though Castiel was in hell. Lucifer tore Cas' mind to pieces, taking Sam's place in that facility. Though eventually things seemed to change, the angel was certainly not himself, but still Lucifer was eradicated from his mind. Also, even though Castiel felt like he was travelling down a road that contained many obstacles, he became something like himself again and he walked free. Except something odd happened. While Castiel was determined to find Dean once more, his powers to transport anywhere with just a click of his fingers, everything that he could once do, none of it was working right. As much as he tried to get back to Dean, he found himself in pretty much everywhere where Dean could not possibly be.

Castiel stood on the sandy path in what appeared to be the ruins of an old western village in what appeared to be a desert that stretched on and on. Another failed attempt to try and get to where he felt he need to be. He clicked his finger again and only transport a few feet forward. He sighed, agitated with himself. Again he tried and again he only managed to move forward a mere few feet. That went on until Castiel was standing at the opposite edge of the abandoned village, looking back at the distance that he had just travelled. He really concentrated this time, taking a deep breath, clicking his fingers, eyes shut tightly and he gently breathed out. He was finally out of that wretched desert, but as he opened his eyes, Castiel did not recognise his surrounded. He appeared to be standing in the dead centre of a courtyard. He wondered where his was, what part of America, what state, what town. Castiel wanted to ask, but the entire area was completely devoid of people. Was this where Dean happened to be? He hoped and wandered forward slowly, his trenchcoat fluttering in a slight breeze as he walked slowly across the courtyard, taking in every single inch of his surroundings.

((OOC: Please don't feel pressured to write a post the same length as mine (: I've been doing advanced roleplay for about three years and posts like this just come naturally to me. Though to me this post is actually short and not that good))

[dean winchester]

[atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,padding:0; margin: 0; background-image:url(http://i1029.photobucket.com/albums/y353/shockwavesyndrome/thisiswar.png);background-repeat:repeat-y;width: 450px;height:600px;] Dean had been eating a sub in the courtyard, trying to enjoy the day but the deep summer head hit him in waves. The humidity didn’t help, if there was one thing worse than being so hot your food felt cold, it was being hot and feeling sticky. Dean was regretting his choice and decided to go inside. After all there was no real reason to suffer when there was an air conditioned dining hall a few meters away. Plus his mind had been a little off, he wasn’t used to staying somewhere for so long. Part of him thought it would be nice, but he was getting a little case of cabin fever. There were so many unresolved things that needed shorted. Part of him really enjoyed seeing the same faces. It felt almost like having a family, except they were worried about getting grades rather than fighting demons. It did feel like Dean was getting older. He didn’t look it, but he was beginning to worry about the future of these kids. It all seemed to noble when they started, to train Hunters. But to see how far they had to go and know some of them would die, maybe multiple times like himself, stung Dean. He could say he was training Hunters to protect man kind. But he was giving teenagers guns and preparing them for slaughter. How many would fall victim to the evil they vowed to fight? Dean always doubted things like that. It was hard for him to have faith. After all, the one person he hoped would never change, would keep the faith Dean put in him whole and untainted, did leave him. Cas had been one of his most trusted friends, save for Sam. It was hard for Dean to admit it, but next to Sam Cas was it. That was his circle for a while. But when Cas gave himself to save Sam, it was like one half or the other of Deans heart was bound to be burned to ashes. Dean felt somehow he shouldn’t be so torn up about it. People died all the time around him. But Castiel was this thing that was good and inhuman and trustworthy and wise… all of the things Dean wasn’t. Every quality Dean sought out on this planet in a friend was embodied in Cas. And now it didn’t exist. Dean was very sure that Cas was the best thing he had seen, and even that had gotten spoiled. It was a hard lesson for Dean to learn, but even Angels weren’t perfect. Dean stood and turned to walk back to the hall and something caught the corner of his eye making it stick to the O.C.D trimmed lawn. A caramel colored trench coat in the breeze. Was it that damn hot? He had to be seeing things, so he blinked hard. But it stayed. He began walking towards the figure and the closer he got the more real this illusion looked. The realization of this image being tangible made Dean’s fingers loosen to the point where he dropped his sub. “Cas?” He asked his stomach as cold as if he guzzled ice water. Even in this heat, that cold winding up his gut was as unpleasant as ever, even if his mind willed this to be real. 556| castiel | :] this template was made by ZOE of caution 2.0 !

[Castiel]

Everything seemed to be a little too surreal. Was Cas truly expected to believe that he was standing in the very place where Dean happened to be sitting? This was a dream and Castiel was still lying unconcious in some god-forsaken town. Periods of unconciousness had been happening to the angel a lot for some unknown reason. This just had to be a dream. Too good to be true. He thought for a moment to pinch himself to double check that he was not dreaming, but saw no sense in the act if in fact we was not actually dreaming. All he would be left with was a sharp pain if he were to pinch himself. Also it seemed like a tritely human thing to do, and Cas was of a far more superior race. Though he felt less like an angel then he ever had. He was bound to earth now, never did he think he could go back to Heaven, expecting to be welcomed back into his garrison with open arms. It was not only his banishment from Heaven that made him stay, but it was also because of Dean Winchester. His faith and loyalty in the elder Winchester had attributed to his descension from Heaven.

Back to reality, Castiel still wasn't sure that this was actually reality. His true-blue eyes scanned the area once more for signs of this being a mirage or fantasy of some kind, but everything was one-hundred percent real. This was no trick from his mind, he had really found Dean. A few tense seconds had passed and finally Castiel turned to look at Dean. "Hello Dean." It seemed like a perfectly logical thing to say at that moment, but part of him had a feeling that Dean would not be so pleased. After all the months that he had been gone, all he could think of to say was "hello." He had no idea if Dean would be happy or angry to see him. The angel was not the best at understanding the emotions of a human, and though he knew Dean well, he certainly couldn't predict what Dean was thinking. What thoughts had crossed through Dean's mind as he saw his long-lost angel friend once more. Castiel was glad to see his friend again, but had a growing feeling of guilt for leaving, despite it not even being directly his fault.

[dean winchester]

Dean wasn’t really sure how to handle the waves of emotion washing over him. Really, how could he handle it? Running up and hugging the angel seemed just, out of place. Hitting him would only pick a fight Dean couldn’t win. A tangled sigh rose in his chest as his lips curled in a way they only did when he was holding back. He tried to stay cordial but hurt leaked through his eyes like they were weak dam. What was okay at this point? Dean wasn’t even sure why the whole thing mattered so much to him. Was it because Castiel was something good and whole? But he surely should have lost that by now, yet the feeling that he was some something special remained. Dean hated not knowing how he felt or why.

He shook his head. “Hey?” He said as his eyebrows punctuated his syllables. “All I get is a ‘Hey?’” Dean huffed looking away as he walked closer to Cas, stopping within arms reach and pointing at him. “What the hell is going on with you man? Don’t treat me like I’m some nosy neighbor, alright?” Dean stopped for a second. What did he want to be treated as? He looked off to the side again. Why was it so hard to look at this guy? Dean knew angry, and he wasn’t that furious. It was like when his Dad forgot his birthday, only worse.

Of course he wouldn’t fess up to feeling hurt, forgotten and unimportant. That’s not the kind of thing you say to another man. “Why did you just up and leave me like that? I think I should get an explanation.” Who was he? This guy’s girlfriend? Why was he nagging him? But he did deserve one didn’t he? I mean hell, they fought for years side by side and he trusted him. Told him secrets, put a special faith Dean hadn’t even put in God into him. There was this silent promise no matter what that they would be there for each other. That promise was broken, laying naked on the floor. Who the hell was Cas to mooch Dean up, someone who felt so much pain and lived nothing but being used and forgotten, to toss him aside and vanish for months?

[Castiel]

The array of emotions that played across Dean's face only made the hollow feeling of guilt inside him grow. Had Dean really suffered so much in the past few months? It looked like he couldn't decide whether he wanted to beat the hell out of Cas, or hug him. When he noticed how affected Dean was, how much pain the angels disappearance had caused, Cas felt like he would rather receive a punch in the gut. At that moment he felt like that was exactly what he deserved. Though Dean was holding back and Castiel felt the urge to tell Dean to just get it over with, to say or do whatever it was he wanted to do. Though words had momentarily failed him. There was very little about this that he could understand, the horrible feeling in his stomach, Dean's reaction. All of those things confused the hell out of him. He understood happiness, anger, sadness, but guilt and self hatred were two emotions that were complete alien emotions. But that was exactly what Castiel was feeling.

He must've thought that he looked like a gawking idiot. Standing there with very little to say. He finally decided to say something, the first words that popped into head. "I believe that I actually said "hello."" Literally right as those words flowed out of Cas' mouth, he instantly had the urge to kick himself. Dean wandered closer to Cas, making the angel feel slightly uncomfortable. He realised what Dean had meant when he told Castiel about personal space all that time ago. "I apologise. I failed to realise how much anguish this might have caused you. If it weren't for certain circumstances I would have found you much sooner." Despite trying to sound like he was truly apologetic, which he was, he came off sounding disturbingly insincere. Okay, he was truly awful when it came so feeling certain emotions. Castiel couldn't help but sigh an incredibly heavy sigh, so weighed down with emotion that it almost hurt. "I am sorry." He tried again to apologise, this time strong emotion coloured every word and his face was turned downwards in sadness. Cas' shoulders were hunched over weighed down by all the guilt and sadness and self-hatred that coursed throughout his body. Though his blue eyes stayed fixed on Dean the entire time.

[dean winchester]

Dean stared at Castiel. He knew him, knew his hardships and his short comings. Dean’s face calmed a little, he could tell by Cas’s voice and sighs he was trying. Somehow that was all Dean wanted to know. He sought validation that he mattered enough to try to come home to. It wasn’t really how long Castiel left, or even that he didn’t say goodbye. It was that Dean didn’t matter enough to come home to. That was one of the few ways Dean’s father ever showed him he was loved. The realization of fearing that he would loose Castiel or that he wouldn’t be important enough to come home to made Dean choke a little.

No way in hell was he going to show that sappy of emotions. The angel probably wouldn’t even understand. There was no point. It was embarrassing, feeling that close to man. Dean knew what brotherhood was. It was constant, steady and felt like home. This, this was a flurry. A maddening storm of who feels what and why it matters anyway. This was not okay, normal or even the kind of thing Dean felt comfortable addressing. The shock of seeing Cas was ebbing away, along with the anger. Now, now this worry and concern about him set in and Dean felt guilt hit him.

“Are you okay?” He asked, his eyes gazing way more tenderly than intended. He swallowed looking Castiel over. “What can I do to help.” Dean said as thought he saw a scrape lifting Castiel’s chin, only to see it was nothing but a shadow…. Dean felt hot and then sharply cold when he realized he was nearly cradling Castiel’s face until Dean caught himself and pulled away. Dean stared at the stony gaze of his long time friend.

Why was he so caught up in this? Castiel had said it himself, ‘We share a more profound bond,’ was that all this was? This sure felt like a profound bond. But something oddly familiar about the way his insides either hummed with joy or recoiled in self aware distress made him doubt this was the typical guardian angel relationship. He had fought this for years. Dean stared, squinting a little more. It was like when he was scared of getting to attached when he was dating a girl, combined with the thrill of meeting and wooing her if this crazy unpredictable dash of what the hell am I thinking was thrown in.

Dean just stared, trying to sort it all.